Suggestion for John...

by JT12340 on Aug 4, 2008 6:35 PM EDT Comment 5 comments

Can you please post a Crystal Ball for Justin Upton. I know there has been a ton of write ups on him, and that you posted a "Not a Rookie" article on him, and there has been a community projection for 2007, but I would like your take on this super-prospect as to how Upton's career will lay out. I think it would be fun and stir up a lot of conversation and debate...

Thanks, and keep up the good work...

1 recs | Comment 5 comments

Story-email Email Printer Print

Comments

My Crystal Ball for Justin Upton

2009 .335 45 HR 130 RBI 5 SB
2010 .348 47 HR 143 RBI 7 SB
2011 Dates Mylie Cyrus
2012 .321 58 HR 180 RBI 8 SB
2013 Traded to the Montreal Expos (formerly Florida Marlins)
2014 Marries Mylie Cyrus
2015 .415 75 HR 198 RBI 3SB
2016 .214 2 HR 34 RBI 2 SB
2017 Invents the “Plopometer” which revolutionizes the entire world
2018 The “Plopometer” leads to the extinction of the human race
2019 Justin Upton is the last man alive.
2020 Justin Upton attempts to keep the human race going by seeking out a female mate.
2021 He is unsucessful.
2022 Rabbits rule the Earth.

I've got a McPheever, and only JoJo Reyes can help me!

by Buzz Bissinger on Aug 4, 2008 8:50 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hmmmm

His drop off in stolen bases between 2012 and 2016 in concerning. He’ll never be the greatest all around player if he can’t steal bases. The whole “hitting 400 while breaking the season HR and RBI records” will only get you so far. And he will never be a HOF Player…. unless rabbits continue to vote.

"My mom always taught me it's better to laugh at yourself than to laugh at others. She was so wrong. ;)" -Pedrophile

by Boxkutter on Aug 4, 2008 8:58 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Actually, he can vote himself into the Hall in 2021, becoming the only player in history to receive 100% of the votes. Of course, his HOF plaque is going to resemble Wilson from “Cast Away”.

by StickRat on Aug 4, 2008 9:35 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

You're not the REAL Buzz Bissinger!

The real Buzz Bissinger hasn’t written anything nearly that fresh and insightful.

All hail our rabbit leaders.

by aap212 on Aug 5, 2008 12:01 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Prospect Retro - The Plopometer

The Plopometer was created by Justin Upton in response to an ill-advised wager between him and Jarrod Parker during a rain delay in an exhibition against the Pittsburgh Pirates, who had then officially became the Yankees’ AAA affiliate.

Though the bet initially had to do with translating a troublesome passage from Proust’s "In Remembrance of Things Past" and assuaging mankind’s fear of the unknown, Upton thought it easier to create a machine that would do it for him. Using only what was available in the dugout at the time – a crazy eyeball from Max Scherzer, an old syringe with the initials "L. Gonzalez," and a Halloween mask of Randy Johnson – Upton created the Plopometer, named for Conor Jackson’s annoying fratboy routine of sitting on rookies’ faces while they weightlifted.

The Plopometer had a strong 2017, with a .390/.450/.725 line in the California League, with poverty cured in two nations, a respectable half-million acres of rainforest saved, and four major diseases eradicated. Though scouts praised its "messianic ways," I gave the Plopometer a B+ because I was still concerned about its demagoguery on the basepaths.

The Plopometer broke 2018 with the big-league club and was selected to play the entire infield, as well as bat 2, 3, 6, and 7 in the order. This led to disgruntlement in the clubhouse and an unfortunate incident the papers later called "Why Mark Reynolds’ Flesh was Seared Off." In the remaining days of the planet we called Earth, the Arizona front office would point to offseason parties at Jose Canseco’s house and tragic dates with Alyssa Milano as possible reasons for the Plopometer’s turn, but I think it was projectable if you look at the poor K/BB marks in the minors.

by waka25 on Aug 5, 2008 9:35 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs