2009 .335 45 HR 130 RBI 5 SB
2010 .348 47 HR 143 RBI 7 SB
2011 Dates Mylie Cyrus
2012 .321 58 HR 180 RBI 8 SB
2013 Traded to the Montreal Expos (formerly Florida Marlins)
2014 Marries Mylie Cyrus
2015 .415 75 HR 198 RBI 3SB
2016 .214 2 HR 34 RBI 2 SB
2017 Invents the “Plopometer” which revolutionizes the entire world
2018 The “Plopometer” leads to the extinction of the human race
2019 Justin Upton is the last man alive.
2020 Justin Upton attempts to keep the human race going by seeking out a female mate.
2021 He is unsucessful.
2022 Rabbits rule the Earth.

The Plopometer was created by Justin Upton in response to an ill-advised wager between him and Jarrod Parker during a rain delay in an exhibition against the Pittsburgh Pirates, who had then officially became the Yankees’ AAA affiliate.

Though the bet initially had to do with translating a troublesome passage from Proust’s "In Remembrance of Things Past" and assuaging mankind’s fear of the unknown, Upton thought it easier to create a machine that would do it for him. Using only what was available in the dugout at the time – a crazy eyeball from Max Scherzer, an old syringe with the initials "L. Gonzalez," and a Halloween mask of Randy Johnson – Upton created the Plopometer, named for Conor Jackson’s annoying fratboy routine of sitting on rookies’ faces while they weightlifted.

The Plopometer had a strong 2017, with a .390/.450/.725 line in the California League, with poverty cured in two nations, a respectable half-million acres of rainforest saved, and four major diseases eradicated. Though scouts praised its "messianic ways," I gave the Plopometer a B+ because I was still concerned about its demagoguery on the basepaths.

The Plopometer broke 2018 with the big-league club and was selected to play the entire infield, as well as bat 2, 3, 6, and 7 in the order. This led to disgruntlement in the clubhouse and an unfortunate incident the papers later called "Why Mark Reynolds’ Flesh was Seared Off." In the remaining days of the planet we called Earth, the Arizona front office would point to offseason parties at Jose Canseco’s house and tragic dates with Alyssa Milano as possible reasons for the Plopometer’s turn, but I think it was projectable if you look at the poor K/BB marks in the minors.